It’s been ten days since I lost it in a public place. A good friend was hurt, and had the courage to share this with me in the moment. And I was able to apologize over email, and she generously replied with an acceptance.

But, I have not yet, despite more than a week of restless nights, figured out how to “fix” this with those who observed my bad behaviour.

Despite more than 40 years in education, where I was given the responsibility of helping adolescents manage their emotions and behaviour, I still haven’t figured it out for myself. And due to my success (at least on paper), I am held to a higher standard, both by my community and by myself.

I have looked for role models in public life, but there are few examples I can find of those who have acknowledged and apologized for their behaviour. We have far more examples of those who take a defensive position, gaslight their critics, or completely ignore the feedback they receive.

I know that those I need to apologize to will never read this blog post. But perhaps a step towards forgiving myself is to acknowledge that:

1. I should never shout in public, unless it is a matter of safety.
2. I shouldn’t speak unless I can see the eyes of the person to whom I am speaking.
3. I should maintain eye contact as I speak, and respond to visual cues as quickly as possible.
4. I should ensure I get enough sleep, in order to maintain self-control at the end of a long stressful task.

I will have many opportunities to practise these over the next year, and I will return here to reflect on my progress in each of these areas.

I am sorry that I shocked, and possibly scared, those around me. I beg forgiveness, and hope that my future actions will serve to build trust and regain respect.